"In science, medical researchers announce that they have cloned a $100 bill, and will no longer be dependent upon federal grants"
and
"In financial news, America Online announces the largest merger in history, in which it will acquire Time Warner in exchange for AOL stock valued at $160 billion, or, a little later in the week, $34."

Dave Barry's Year in Review,
[courtesy of one of the 3 nasty assholes]